Cuma 30 Mar 2007, 8:01

Okay, I compiled a list of good things about the 80's sure (see 10 Reasons to give the 80s redemption) but let's face it. There was a lot of crap-tastic shit goin' on in that decade.

I present to you:

8 Reasons to de-flower the 80's anally and skull-fuck it.

Where do I begin?

1. Thick, shitty, mullet-hair.

http://backintheday.blogharbor.com/80s/images/childabuse.jpg

I have to thank Jesus himself that my family photos look nothing like that. I don't really need to explain this, but I will anyway. Friends don't let other friends get hair like that. Look at the guy on the top with the shit-kicking grin. What's he looking so gumpy for? Oh that's right. His hair is causing permanent retardation. I forgot.

If you can handle it, an online clip of that hair we know so well, and want to hang ourselves as a result.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wUsJlfx_Whk

That was Kajagoogoo. Yes, that is the band name. And now, Poison.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mq_waSjjf3s

This is a clear example of why you shouldn't follow trends. So kids. Don't be emo. You look pathetic and shitty now, and you'll look embarrassingly shitty and pathetic in 15 years time.

2. Popularity of synthesized drum-kits.

I present to you a retard in an oversized cowboy hat going nuts from what obviously seems to have previously been confined to a straight-jacket, onto an electric drum kit. You will die a little inside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvF3JxJ9poA

3. The Karate Kid

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0008JIJ2E.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

Look at him. That's his serious face. Don't you just want to challenge his karate skills with a shotgun? Regretfully, I present to you a climatic moment from the film.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4NfkH3Q4JOQ

If you consider this film to be a guilty pleasure, you are dead to me.

4. Oprah.

Thank you for gracing us with your love-fueled television.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/images/275837.jpg

May you crawl back into Satan's bottom from whence you came.

5. Full House

http://www.briangreens.com/pics/full-house-cast.jpg

Only 1000 machetes placed strategically into that picture would stop my temporary crippling depression I'm feeling right now.

6. AIDS and the condom.

http://www.corriere.it/Media/Foto/2004/03_Marzo/03/AIDS.jpg

Merciless killing of little brown kids in africa is one reason more to fart in the general direction of this wretched decade. Not to mention that we have to have latex around our penises to this day, stopping man's pleasure experience a great deal.

http://www.condom-usa.com/images/safesex.jpg

You heard the little feller. We're all doomed.

7. Video game crash of 1983

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/aa/AtariLandfill.jpg

If you don't know about this, you can click the link to a wiki page.

This basically, was when games got shitty. Really shitty.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gpvJoxtX5L4

That was the Atari 2600 version of Pac-Man. One of the worst games supposedly ever made.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/24/A2600_Pac-Man.png

I haven't played that. Nor do I want to. The only game I would want to play less than that would be this:

ET: Atari 2600

Widely considered the worst game ever made. Thousands of copies were buried in the desert. (see picture) The best thing about this game was the start screen.

Unfortunately it wasn't the end of shitty games. The public had yet to witness the Spice Girls Playstation game. I played the demo once. I couldn't get past the training start. Irrelevant. ONWARDS…

8. Hair Metal

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f1/M%C3%B6tley_Cr%C3%BCe_Shout_at_the_Devil.jpg

Oh my penis. What a disaster.

Again with the hair, but this time a rock genre designed exclusively to show off these atrocities. I'm not exclusively targeting Motley Crue. Although they probably deserve it. The only person who would take comfort in hair like that is a church door mouse, who's mouse wife has just left him and taken all the cheese and needs a place to stay.

And now, a summary:

Van Halen with their hit Jump

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8e-vgQSqNtA

Everything bad about the 80's can be summarized in that clip. From the synth beginning to the thick hair and the cheesy ending.

Thank you for reading. That's about 15 minutes of your life you'll never get back.