henry_hudson

Well, I'm supposed to begin with-- and this neither here nor there-- but globes don't have corners.

You know, in a situation like this there's a high potentiality for the common motherfucker to bitch out.

It seems now the only accomplishment is merely the documentation of your own presence.

Very well, where should I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical.
Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. At the age of eighteen, I went off to evil medical school.

Shaken, not stirred, will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James Bond is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.

A lot of people ask me "Kenny Powers, you're a giant star - you can get any woman - have you ever paid for sex?" And the answer is YES I HAVE - several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything, and sometimes even just kinda do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument

One day you're lighting up in front of a dozen adults at a Bat Mitzvah, the next your cruisin' down Santa Monica Boulevard offering handjobs for a crack rock.

How come you're not sittin' shivah for your friend Esteban?

Ellie had a teacher named Mr. Pordy, who had no interest in nuance. He asked the class why there's always been conflict in the Middle East and Ellie raised her hand and said, "It's a centuries old religious conflict involving land and suspicions and culture and..." "Wrong." Mr. Pordy said, "It's because it's incredible hot and there's no water."

I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.

The reservation is under the name Googly Bear.

This shit is fucking crazy. I dont even know how a lion got into the neighborhood. I heard some growling and shit out in the yard, so my roomate and I, we go to check the shit out; I look up in the tree and there's the fucking king of the jungle. He was staring right at me- I almost shit my fucking pants. So I ran inside and called the five-oh.

Now I'm gonna go hunt down that shark, or whatever it is... and hopefully kill it. I don't know how yet. Maybe dynamite.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

You guys lollygag the ball around the infield, ya lollygag your way to first, ya lollygag in an' outta the dugout. You know what that makes ya? Lollygaggers.

The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish! Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a quark and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!

You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here. Because, the fact is, whether you deserve it or not: you go to one of the best schools in the country. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich, and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs. And take them down. Just remember: they can buy anything. But they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget that. Thank you.

Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm a Sicilian. And my old man was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. And from growin' up with him I learned the pantomime. Now there are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give him away. A guy has seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen. And if you know 'em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors to hell. What we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothin'. But you're tellin' me everything. Now I know you know where they are. So tell me, before I do some damage you won't walk away from.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are the they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested? But now she's not interested." So now, all of sudden I'm... I'm starting to get interested. And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation and all the while you're just really wondering, "Are we gonna get hopped enough to make some bad decisions?" And perhaps play a little game called "Just the Tip. Just for a second, just to see how it feels", or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair."